Smother Me.

Dear %^@%@&#,

I don't want to be writing this to you but I can't stop thinking about it - about us. I liked you last year. I didn't know you that well but I liked being around you and hearing you laugh and seeing you smile and giving you hugs. When I moved away, I didn't really think much about us because there wasn't an us. You weren't a big part of my life; we never hung out and when we texted, it was brief. But this year, I can tell it's going to be different. As soon as we hung out for the first time, my feelings stopping hiding. I was surprised when I realized I still liked you and I was even more surprised when you told me you liked me, too. Things are kind of messy between me and a lot of people right now. I know it's going to interfere with us - if there is ever an us.

I'm scared.

I'm scared that we might become something and then we'll lose it. And if we lose it, I'll lose you. "We're too good of friends." I use that excuse a lot; I just pulled the same shit on someone else. I guess it's to protect myself. It's selfish, I know but my friendships mean too much to me. I'd rather have to live with liking someone than to risk it all for a three-month relationship. It might be different with you though. I might take a dip, test the waters.

I think if we were to start dating, I wouldn't tell everyone right away. I might let my best friend know and that's it. It's not that I'd be ashamed of being with you, it'd be because a different friend of mine already doesn't like you because you like me and I don't want to hurt her. In a way, being with you isn't even fair to her because she knows I like her but she thinks I can't get close to anyone; that I won't allow myself to. That's not my reasoning for not being with her - it's because I believe she's not over her ex boyfriend - but that's a different letter.

I guess I'll have to wait and see what happens either tonight or Saturday/Sunday.

To be continued.