One Man Drinking Games.

Dear #@$%^&^%,

I wish things were different between us. I wish we were closer. I wish you could talk to me. I wish I could talk to you. I wish you weren't so afraid of being yourself. I wish you weren't scared to speak your mind. I wish you didn't hold back. I wish you weren't so down on yourself. I wish your view point on some things was different. I wish you'd trust others more. I wish you'd just be you.

Our friendship has just been tested lately and I'm not sure if it passed or not. Things are rocky and messy and complicated and touchy and just all over the place. I wonder how long things are going to stay like this between us; hopefully not long at all because I'm not sure if I could take losing you. I know I could live without you. I know I'd be okay with time. I know I'd get over it and wish you luck with whatever happens throughout your story. I just don't want to have to go through losing another best friend.

You're going to read this and get confused because we're not fighting and everything's fine between us. But the thing is, everything isn't okay. I feel like I have to act like I'm on eggshells around you. I'm afraid that if I talk about liking someone or going out with someone, that you'll just get hurt. I don't know why you like me, especially after everything. I hope you get over it - find someone else because I don't want you to like me. It's not fair to you and it's not fair to me.

It's not fair to you because we live together. It's not fair to you because I don't like you like that; I use to. It's not fair to you because I'm not going to change my mind about you; we're never going to happen. It's not fair to you because I feel like there's times when I say/do something and you get the wrong idea. It's not fair to you because you deserve someone so much better. I love you. I love you so much; as a friend. 

 I feel when I talk about my eating disorder, you get annoyed. I know it's not the most pleasant thing and I know people get fed up with me when the topic gets brought up but I can't help it. It's there and I live with you. I can't hide it. I can't avoid it. I can't just sit at your table surrounded by food and NOT think about it. I can't eat a piece of toast or a bowl of cereal without wanting to tear apart your entire kitchen. I'm bulimic. And it's so frustrating because you don't understand. I don't expect you to get it. I don't want you to get it. It'd just be nice if you did.

I want us to talk. I want us to sit down and really talk - about everything and anything. It's most likely never going to happen because you don't know how to talk. You proved that the other night - I wanted to know, what, three things? And you couldn't manage to explain yourself. I know what it's like though; to not be able to tell someone why you're feeling a certain way, why you can't stop doing something, why it's hard to just get out of bed in the morning.

I'm worried about you. You don't care whether or not you die. You don't care about your grades. You don't care about your future. It's like you lost your ambition for everything. You know how I know this? Because I'm the same way. You've seen me in the morning. I wait until the last possible minute to get out of bed; it's not because I'm lazy or that I don't want to go to school; it's because I'm drained. I'm emotionally, physically and mentally drained and doing a simple task, like getting dressed, is a battle. I want you to see someone - even one of the school counselors. At first, talking to them doesn't seem like it's going to accomplish anything but then you build a relationship with them. You begin to trust them, you begin to rant to them, you begin to tell them things you thought you could never tell anyone. Make an appointment. Try it. If you don't like it, don't go back. I just wish you'd attempt to fix this. I can't do it for you and neither can anyone else. If you want help so bad, then why are you just sitting there?

I love you.
And I don't want you going anywhere.