Dear *$^#&*%@(*&^%,
The other day, you and I had a long conversation about life; mostly just catching up and whatnot. I mentioned to you that I started dating this girl and you politely asked what happened between my ex girlfriend and I. I filled you in on everything and then you made a comment - a comment I should tear your head off for.
'I'm happy for you. Dumping that other girl. She lived too far anyway. I
always kinda thought ldr were for people who couldn't commit to anyone
in their town. Sorta takin the easy way out.'
1. Shut the fuck up.
2. Do you know what it feels like to fall in love with someone's words instead of their appearance? Do you know how much you have to like a person to be in a long distance relationship with them? Do you know what it's like to long to just simply hug someone? Do you know how much it kills you to not be able to be there for them physically when they're hurting? Do you know how much effort you have to put into them - canceling plans with your friends because you have a Skype date, a Netflix date, you have to talk on the phone for three hours, you have to write them a letter? Do you know how much shit you have to take from your friends because they just don't understand? Dear god, don't judge something you've never experienced.
3. Saying yes to (*%^&*(%^&* when she asked me out was one of the best decisions I've ever made. She understood so much of me that I couldn't even explain to my best friend. She knew the little things about me, she could tell whether I was in a good or bad mood just by my text messages, she noticed things I did that I wasn't even aware of, she remembered stories I'd tell her in the middle of the night that I'd forget the next day, I'd tell her I had an appointment in three weeks and then when that day came around, she'd ask me how it went - she was just always there. She knew me inside and out; better than 90% of the people who actually know me in real life. It was effortless with her. We got along so well. We never fought. We'd know how to make each other laugh. I never got annoyed with talking to her. I was in love with her. I still am. I'm in a relationship with someone else and I can't go a day without thinking about my ex girlfriend. And it's hard. I want to be with her. If she were here, we'd still be together. But the distance - I can't deal with that. They say if you love someone, you'll pull through because your connection is that strong but whoever made that statement obviously wasn't in a long distance relationship. Because it's anything but easy.
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Me0w.
Happy Halloween, darlings.
This is my poor excuse for a "Kitten Pumpkin".
Oh well, I had fun carving nonetheless.
Oh well, I had fun carving nonetheless.
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Friday, October 26, 2012
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
If Looks Could Kill.
Dear #$%^&$#@#$%,
Up until a while ago, we were on good terms; nothing was wrong. But then I found out you were against gay marriage/gays all together. You have a right to your opinion and to speak it, just like I have a right to mine. I never understood people's reasons for being against same sex couples. I know it's not in the Bible but NOTHING about gay marriage is in the Bible; not a single word. It doesn't state if it's right or if it's wrong. Even if it did, why would it matter? No one has the right to control whether or not two lovers get hitched. No one. Not even your precious Jesus.
What if your father turns out to be a homosexual? Would you write him off? Would you stop loving him? He wouldn't be a different person. He'd remain the father who raised you for the last 16 years. The only thing that changed is that he'd no longer be afraid to be himself; to admit he prefers hotdogs over fish. Maybe it'd be a good thing. Maybe then you'd open that judgmental mind of yours. Maybe then you'd understand that your father was born that way; he can't control it. Maybe then you'd have a change of heart.
If I want to marry my girlfriend one day, then I will. If you'd like to spend the rest of your life with your boyfriend, then do it. I'm not going to sit in the corner and point fingers as you both recite your vows, so why should you? Why do you even care? Two men or two women getting married doesn't affect/effect (I never know which 'ffect' to use) your life whatsoever. We're just people. We're just trying to be happy. We're just living our lives. We're just like you.
Up until a while ago, we were on good terms; nothing was wrong. But then I found out you were against gay marriage/gays all together. You have a right to your opinion and to speak it, just like I have a right to mine. I never understood people's reasons for being against same sex couples. I know it's not in the Bible but NOTHING about gay marriage is in the Bible; not a single word. It doesn't state if it's right or if it's wrong. Even if it did, why would it matter? No one has the right to control whether or not two lovers get hitched. No one. Not even your precious Jesus.
What if your father turns out to be a homosexual? Would you write him off? Would you stop loving him? He wouldn't be a different person. He'd remain the father who raised you for the last 16 years. The only thing that changed is that he'd no longer be afraid to be himself; to admit he prefers hotdogs over fish. Maybe it'd be a good thing. Maybe then you'd open that judgmental mind of yours. Maybe then you'd understand that your father was born that way; he can't control it. Maybe then you'd have a change of heart.
If I want to marry my girlfriend one day, then I will. If you'd like to spend the rest of your life with your boyfriend, then do it. I'm not going to sit in the corner and point fingers as you both recite your vows, so why should you? Why do you even care? Two men or two women getting married doesn't affect/effect (I never know which 'ffect' to use) your life whatsoever. We're just people. We're just trying to be happy. We're just living our lives. We're just like you.
Monday, October 22, 2012
I'm so in love with this.
"It makes me sick, the way sadness is addicting. The way I can't stop. Sadness is familiar. It's comfortable and it's easy. In a sense that it comes naturally to me. But everything else about it is hard. The way my body aches with self-hatred. The way my mind spins and spins with helpless thoughts. The way it poisons everything I do, every relationship I have - yet it's addicting because I know sadness and I know it very well. And there's a sort of comfort in that, like being home after a trip or sleeping in your own bed after being away. There's just sense that this is where I belong. This is how it's suppose to be."
-Marianna Paige
-Marianna Paige
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Damaged Goods.
Dear @#$%^$#,
For years, I've been nothing but your shadow. I'm always being compared to you and being told how much I act like you. "You're just like $^#&$^#W." It's always bothered me; I even keep telling him it bothers me when he makes those comments but he doesn't seem to stop. I'm not sure why it gets under my skin - maybe because I don't want to be a mini you. When we were little, I always admired you. Because of that, I followed you around and often copied the things you did/said. I stopped though. I can't pinpoint exactly when I stopped mimicking you but I did. I wish I wasn't the only one who realized this. Yes, our personalities are similar. Yes, we share the same interests/hobbies. Yes, our music tastes are extremely close. Yes, we even physically look alike. But I'm not you; I'm me.
Two, maybe three months ago you opened up to me about something I wish I never heard. As soon as the words flew out of your mouth, I wanted to die. I wanted to start screaming and yelling and hitting you. I wanted you to say 'just kidding'. I wanted you to take it back. But you didn't. You were being completely serious. You took the one thing that was mine. The one thing that I had that you had nothing to do with. The one thing we didn't have in common. The one thing that you couldn't touch. The one thing that separated me from you. The one thing that got attention and YOU FUCKING TOOK IT.
I know it's not your fault. I know you didn't mean to upset me. I know you didn't expect my reaction to be what it was/is. I know you were just being honest. I know you were just make an attempt to talk to me. I know you were just trying to help. I know, I know, I know, I know, I know. But a part of me started to hate you. That same part of me is getting bigger; filling with more hate for you.
When you spilled your secret, it was the first time in my life that I actually felt like your shadow. I thought maybe everyone was right; I'm just copying you. I'm trying my best to be just like you. And I think that's why I can't stand the thought that we also share this. It's suppose to be mine; just mine. You've turned this into a competition. Who can go longer, who's lighter, who's more pale, who's the weaker one. This isn't how it's suppose to be. I don't want to be your component, I want us to be on the same team. I want you to be there for me. I want you to see that I need help. I want you to worry about me. But that's not the case anymore. Now I'm the one giving you tips. Now I'm the one hiding your secret. Now I'm the one feeling sorry for you.
I hate this.
For years, I've been nothing but your shadow. I'm always being compared to you and being told how much I act like you. "You're just like $^#&$^#W." It's always bothered me; I even keep telling him it bothers me when he makes those comments but he doesn't seem to stop. I'm not sure why it gets under my skin - maybe because I don't want to be a mini you. When we were little, I always admired you. Because of that, I followed you around and often copied the things you did/said. I stopped though. I can't pinpoint exactly when I stopped mimicking you but I did. I wish I wasn't the only one who realized this. Yes, our personalities are similar. Yes, we share the same interests/hobbies. Yes, our music tastes are extremely close. Yes, we even physically look alike. But I'm not you; I'm me.
Two, maybe three months ago you opened up to me about something I wish I never heard. As soon as the words flew out of your mouth, I wanted to die. I wanted to start screaming and yelling and hitting you. I wanted you to say 'just kidding'. I wanted you to take it back. But you didn't. You were being completely serious. You took the one thing that was mine. The one thing that I had that you had nothing to do with. The one thing we didn't have in common. The one thing that you couldn't touch. The one thing that separated me from you. The one thing that got attention and YOU FUCKING TOOK IT.
I know it's not your fault. I know you didn't mean to upset me. I know you didn't expect my reaction to be what it was/is. I know you were just being honest. I know you were just make an attempt to talk to me. I know you were just trying to help. I know, I know, I know, I know, I know. But a part of me started to hate you. That same part of me is getting bigger; filling with more hate for you.
When you spilled your secret, it was the first time in my life that I actually felt like your shadow. I thought maybe everyone was right; I'm just copying you. I'm trying my best to be just like you. And I think that's why I can't stand the thought that we also share this. It's suppose to be mine; just mine. You've turned this into a competition. Who can go longer, who's lighter, who's more pale, who's the weaker one. This isn't how it's suppose to be. I don't want to be your component, I want us to be on the same team. I want you to be there for me. I want you to see that I need help. I want you to worry about me. But that's not the case anymore. Now I'm the one giving you tips. Now I'm the one hiding your secret. Now I'm the one feeling sorry for you.
I hate this.
Saturday, October 20, 2012
Thursday, October 18, 2012
One Man Drinking Games.
Dear #@$%^&^%,
I wish things were different between us. I wish we were closer. I wish you could talk to me. I wish I could talk to you. I wish you weren't so afraid of being yourself. I wish you weren't scared to speak your mind. I wish you didn't hold back. I wish you weren't so down on yourself. I wish your view point on some things was different. I wish you'd trust others more. I wish you'd just be you.
Our friendship has just been tested lately and I'm not sure if it passed or not. Things are rocky and messy and complicated and touchy and just all over the place. I wonder how long things are going to stay like this between us; hopefully not long at all because I'm not sure if I could take losing you. I know I could live without you. I know I'd be okay with time. I know I'd get over it and wish you luck with whatever happens throughout your story. I just don't want to have to go through losing another best friend.
You're going to read this and get confused because we're not fighting and everything's fine between us. But the thing is, everything isn't okay. I feel like I have to act like I'm on eggshells around you. I'm afraid that if I talk about liking someone or going out with someone, that you'll just get hurt. I don't know why you like me, especially after everything. I hope you get over it - find someone else because I don't want you to like me. It's not fair to you and it's not fair to me.
It's not fair to you because we live together. It's not fair to you because I don't like you like that; I use to. It's not fair to you because I'm not going to change my mind about you; we're never going to happen. It's not fair to you because I feel like there's times when I say/do something and you get the wrong idea. It's not fair to you because you deserve someone so much better. I love you. I love you so much; as a friend.
I feel when I talk about my eating disorder, you get annoyed. I know it's not the most pleasant thing and I know people get fed up with me when the topic gets brought up but I can't help it. It's there and I live with you. I can't hide it. I can't avoid it. I can't just sit at your table surrounded by food and NOT think about it. I can't eat a piece of toast or a bowl of cereal without wanting to tear apart your entire kitchen. I'm bulimic. And it's so frustrating because you don't understand. I don't expect you to get it. I don't want you to get it. It'd just be nice if you did.
I want us to talk. I want us to sit down and really talk - about everything and anything. It's most likely never going to happen because you don't know how to talk. You proved that the other night - I wanted to know, what, three things? And you couldn't manage to explain yourself. I know what it's like though; to not be able to tell someone why you're feeling a certain way, why you can't stop doing something, why it's hard to just get out of bed in the morning.
I'm worried about you. You don't care whether or not you die. You don't care about your grades. You don't care about your future. It's like you lost your ambition for everything. You know how I know this? Because I'm the same way. You've seen me in the morning. I wait until the last possible minute to get out of bed; it's not because I'm lazy or that I don't want to go to school; it's because I'm drained. I'm emotionally, physically and mentally drained and doing a simple task, like getting dressed, is a battle. I want you to see someone - even one of the school counselors. At first, talking to them doesn't seem like it's going to accomplish anything but then you build a relationship with them. You begin to trust them, you begin to rant to them, you begin to tell them things you thought you could never tell anyone. Make an appointment. Try it. If you don't like it, don't go back. I just wish you'd attempt to fix this. I can't do it for you and neither can anyone else. If you want help so bad, then why are you just sitting there?
I love you.
And I don't want you going anywhere.
I wish things were different between us. I wish we were closer. I wish you could talk to me. I wish I could talk to you. I wish you weren't so afraid of being yourself. I wish you weren't scared to speak your mind. I wish you didn't hold back. I wish you weren't so down on yourself. I wish your view point on some things was different. I wish you'd trust others more. I wish you'd just be you.
Our friendship has just been tested lately and I'm not sure if it passed or not. Things are rocky and messy and complicated and touchy and just all over the place. I wonder how long things are going to stay like this between us; hopefully not long at all because I'm not sure if I could take losing you. I know I could live without you. I know I'd be okay with time. I know I'd get over it and wish you luck with whatever happens throughout your story. I just don't want to have to go through losing another best friend.
You're going to read this and get confused because we're not fighting and everything's fine between us. But the thing is, everything isn't okay. I feel like I have to act like I'm on eggshells around you. I'm afraid that if I talk about liking someone or going out with someone, that you'll just get hurt. I don't know why you like me, especially after everything. I hope you get over it - find someone else because I don't want you to like me. It's not fair to you and it's not fair to me.
It's not fair to you because we live together. It's not fair to you because I don't like you like that; I use to. It's not fair to you because I'm not going to change my mind about you; we're never going to happen. It's not fair to you because I feel like there's times when I say/do something and you get the wrong idea. It's not fair to you because you deserve someone so much better. I love you. I love you so much; as a friend.
I feel when I talk about my eating disorder, you get annoyed. I know it's not the most pleasant thing and I know people get fed up with me when the topic gets brought up but I can't help it. It's there and I live with you. I can't hide it. I can't avoid it. I can't just sit at your table surrounded by food and NOT think about it. I can't eat a piece of toast or a bowl of cereal without wanting to tear apart your entire kitchen. I'm bulimic. And it's so frustrating because you don't understand. I don't expect you to get it. I don't want you to get it. It'd just be nice if you did.
I want us to talk. I want us to sit down and really talk - about everything and anything. It's most likely never going to happen because you don't know how to talk. You proved that the other night - I wanted to know, what, three things? And you couldn't manage to explain yourself. I know what it's like though; to not be able to tell someone why you're feeling a certain way, why you can't stop doing something, why it's hard to just get out of bed in the morning.
I'm worried about you. You don't care whether or not you die. You don't care about your grades. You don't care about your future. It's like you lost your ambition for everything. You know how I know this? Because I'm the same way. You've seen me in the morning. I wait until the last possible minute to get out of bed; it's not because I'm lazy or that I don't want to go to school; it's because I'm drained. I'm emotionally, physically and mentally drained and doing a simple task, like getting dressed, is a battle. I want you to see someone - even one of the school counselors. At first, talking to them doesn't seem like it's going to accomplish anything but then you build a relationship with them. You begin to trust them, you begin to rant to them, you begin to tell them things you thought you could never tell anyone. Make an appointment. Try it. If you don't like it, don't go back. I just wish you'd attempt to fix this. I can't do it for you and neither can anyone else. If you want help so bad, then why are you just sitting there?
I love you.
And I don't want you going anywhere.
Smother Me.
Dear %^@%@&#,
I don't want to be writing this to you but I can't stop thinking about it - about us. I liked you last year. I didn't know you that well but I liked being around you and hearing you laugh and seeing you smile and giving you hugs. When I moved away, I didn't really think much about us because there wasn't an us. You weren't a big part of my life; we never hung out and when we texted, it was brief. But this year, I can tell it's going to be different. As soon as we hung out for the first time, my feelings stopping hiding. I was surprised when I realized I still liked you and I was even more surprised when you told me you liked me, too. Things are kind of messy between me and a lot of people right now. I know it's going to interfere with us - if there is ever an us.
I'm scared.
I'm scared that we might become something and then we'll lose it. And if we lose it, I'll lose you. "We're too good of friends." I use that excuse a lot; I just pulled the same shit on someone else. I guess it's to protect myself. It's selfish, I know but my friendships mean too much to me. I'd rather have to live with liking someone than to risk it all for a three-month relationship. It might be different with you though. I might take a dip, test the waters.
I think if we were to start dating, I wouldn't tell everyone right away. I might let my best friend know and that's it. It's not that I'd be ashamed of being with you, it'd be because a different friend of mine already doesn't like you because you like me and I don't want to hurt her. In a way, being with you isn't even fair to her because she knows I like her but she thinks I can't get close to anyone; that I won't allow myself to. That's not my reasoning for not being with her - it's because I believe she's not over her ex boyfriend - but that's a different letter.
I guess I'll have to wait and see what happens either tonight or Saturday/Sunday.
To be continued.
I don't want to be writing this to you but I can't stop thinking about it - about us. I liked you last year. I didn't know you that well but I liked being around you and hearing you laugh and seeing you smile and giving you hugs. When I moved away, I didn't really think much about us because there wasn't an us. You weren't a big part of my life; we never hung out and when we texted, it was brief. But this year, I can tell it's going to be different. As soon as we hung out for the first time, my feelings stopping hiding. I was surprised when I realized I still liked you and I was even more surprised when you told me you liked me, too. Things are kind of messy between me and a lot of people right now. I know it's going to interfere with us - if there is ever an us.
I'm scared.
I'm scared that we might become something and then we'll lose it. And if we lose it, I'll lose you. "We're too good of friends." I use that excuse a lot; I just pulled the same shit on someone else. I guess it's to protect myself. It's selfish, I know but my friendships mean too much to me. I'd rather have to live with liking someone than to risk it all for a three-month relationship. It might be different with you though. I might take a dip, test the waters.
I think if we were to start dating, I wouldn't tell everyone right away. I might let my best friend know and that's it. It's not that I'd be ashamed of being with you, it'd be because a different friend of mine already doesn't like you because you like me and I don't want to hurt her. In a way, being with you isn't even fair to her because she knows I like her but she thinks I can't get close to anyone; that I won't allow myself to. That's not my reasoning for not being with her - it's because I believe she's not over her ex boyfriend - but that's a different letter.
I guess I'll have to wait and see what happens either tonight or Saturday/Sunday.
To be continued.
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Then there's the door.
Continued.
People think I don't like you because you're best friends with my old best friend and I'm 'jealous'. No, that's not the case at all. I couldn't care less who you're friends with; it's the way you treat people. You've probably changed some since sophomore year but I don't know the new you, I'll forever see you as the old one. And I wasn't very fond of the old $#W$%&$&@.
Why?
Because you constantly called your 'friends' names and tore them down. Maybe you thought it was funny but getting insulted on a daily basis gets old after a while. Back then, every time you spit a name at me, I got offended. I never showed it, I just laughed along with you. It doesn't hurt anymore because I no longer give a fuck about you. But the way you treated your best friend, not my old one; your neighbor, I don't know how the hell she still talks to you. I was told you use to abuse her; call her names, boss her around, throw bitchy fits, sometimes even hit her, not a punch or hard enough to make her bleed, just slap. I don't know if that's true or not, I heard it from one of your other close friends sophomore year. If it true, that's sad. Really fucking sad. How could you treat anyone like that, especially your best friend? She's a human being, not a punching bag.
When I heard that, that's officially the point where I crossed you off. I've been trying for years to mold myself into someone you'd like, become close to again but it never happened. I don't know why but when you were around, everyone watched their words, trying not to say something to upset you. It's like you were god and we were all lining up at the golden gate, waiting to get your blessing. But not anymore, I didn't care what you thought of me. I still don't.
Maybe the real reason I hate you IS because you're friends with her. She hated you just as much as I did and now look, you're sewn together at the hip. I don't understand how that happened, I probably never will. How can someone go from hating another person so deeply to relying on them all the time? Did she really have a change of heart? Or did you turn her into a cold bitch, too? I swear to god though, if you hurt her like you did everyone else, I'll fucking kill you. I may not be on good terms with her anymore but I'll always care about her.
I want to say more. I feel obligated to explain myself better. I know no one will ever fully understand why I have so much hatred towards her and that's okay with me. I know I'm holding a grudge, a two year grudge in fact. I know it's childish of me. I know it's immature. I know it's not like me. I KNOW. No matter what I do or how much I try to ignore it, it doesn't go away. The hatred/jealousy/envy just remains. I get annoyed when I start to feel the rage - every time I see her, it just builds and it keeps building.
I wonder when it'll collapse.
People think I don't like you because you're best friends with my old best friend and I'm 'jealous'. No, that's not the case at all. I couldn't care less who you're friends with; it's the way you treat people. You've probably changed some since sophomore year but I don't know the new you, I'll forever see you as the old one. And I wasn't very fond of the old $#W$%&$&@.
Why?
Because you constantly called your 'friends' names and tore them down. Maybe you thought it was funny but getting insulted on a daily basis gets old after a while. Back then, every time you spit a name at me, I got offended. I never showed it, I just laughed along with you. It doesn't hurt anymore because I no longer give a fuck about you. But the way you treated your best friend, not my old one; your neighbor, I don't know how the hell she still talks to you. I was told you use to abuse her; call her names, boss her around, throw bitchy fits, sometimes even hit her, not a punch or hard enough to make her bleed, just slap. I don't know if that's true or not, I heard it from one of your other close friends sophomore year. If it true, that's sad. Really fucking sad. How could you treat anyone like that, especially your best friend? She's a human being, not a punching bag.
When I heard that, that's officially the point where I crossed you off. I've been trying for years to mold myself into someone you'd like, become close to again but it never happened. I don't know why but when you were around, everyone watched their words, trying not to say something to upset you. It's like you were god and we were all lining up at the golden gate, waiting to get your blessing. But not anymore, I didn't care what you thought of me. I still don't.
Maybe the real reason I hate you IS because you're friends with her. She hated you just as much as I did and now look, you're sewn together at the hip. I don't understand how that happened, I probably never will. How can someone go from hating another person so deeply to relying on them all the time? Did she really have a change of heart? Or did you turn her into a cold bitch, too? I swear to god though, if you hurt her like you did everyone else, I'll fucking kill you. I may not be on good terms with her anymore but I'll always care about her.
I want to say more. I feel obligated to explain myself better. I know no one will ever fully understand why I have so much hatred towards her and that's okay with me. I know I'm holding a grudge, a two year grudge in fact. I know it's childish of me. I know it's immature. I know it's not like me. I KNOW. No matter what I do or how much I try to ignore it, it doesn't go away. The hatred/jealousy/envy just remains. I get annoyed when I start to feel the rage - every time I see her, it just builds and it keeps building.
I wonder when it'll collapse.
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
If You Can't Hang.
Dear *&%^%)()&,
I don't know what happened to us. Actually, that's a lie, I know exactly what went down. You turned into a stupid cunt who thinks she's better than everyone else. I try to explain why I hate you so much and no one seems to get it, other than one other person. I'll try to explain now, maybe some of you will finally understand my side of things.
We were friends during grade school but back then, everyone was friends with everyone else. Drama didn't exist, crushes were innocent and you only hated bitches for a class period. Things didn't change between us until middle school. We only had a couple of classes together but still, something in you turned cold. I don't know who shoved a pool stick up your ass but whoever did the honors, forgot to take it back out. In fact, they probably shoved three more up there since then because with each year that passes by, your bitch-ego gets higher. During the eighth grade, we actually became really good friends. There was a point where I became closer to you then I did with my best friend at the time.
High school hit and just like that, you became queen B. Or so you thought. This is the year you started having a pity party for yourself all the fucking time. We couldn't have a conversation without you claiming that you were fat, ugly, dumb, a waste and that nobody wanted/loved you. I should of ran right then. I don't know why I kept trying to make you feel better, trying to make you see that you were so much more than that. I guess it's because I actually CARED about you unlike you who never gave two fucks about anything/anyone but yourself. I specifically remember one night when I asked you to hang out (well, me and my current best friend). You kept saying you didn't know and then finally you gave us your answer; no. You couldn't hang out that night. We didn't care too much. Later, the best friend and I took a trip to Hy-Vee and guess who we ran into? Your skank ass and you were there with two of your other friends. I thought you couldn't go out? We were pissed and you KNEW it. As soon as you saw us, you ran. YOU FUCKING RAN AWAY. Are we five again, or? That's the little shit you did that made me hate you. You lied, you'd always called me dumb/stupid/slow/whatever the fuck else and you always complained about how fat you were but then you'd walk around in short shorts showing off your long legs and then you'd ask everyone if your butt looked too big in them. Then, when we said no, you'd call us liars and pout. What the hell.
I could bitch for hours about this dumb cunt but I'll stop because 1) class is almost over, 2) I'm just getting myself worked up and 3) there really isn't a third reason, I just think a list of two is dumb.
To be continued.
I don't know what happened to us. Actually, that's a lie, I know exactly what went down. You turned into a stupid cunt who thinks she's better than everyone else. I try to explain why I hate you so much and no one seems to get it, other than one other person. I'll try to explain now, maybe some of you will finally understand my side of things.
We were friends during grade school but back then, everyone was friends with everyone else. Drama didn't exist, crushes were innocent and you only hated bitches for a class period. Things didn't change between us until middle school. We only had a couple of classes together but still, something in you turned cold. I don't know who shoved a pool stick up your ass but whoever did the honors, forgot to take it back out. In fact, they probably shoved three more up there since then because with each year that passes by, your bitch-ego gets higher. During the eighth grade, we actually became really good friends. There was a point where I became closer to you then I did with my best friend at the time.
High school hit and just like that, you became queen B. Or so you thought. This is the year you started having a pity party for yourself all the fucking time. We couldn't have a conversation without you claiming that you were fat, ugly, dumb, a waste and that nobody wanted/loved you. I should of ran right then. I don't know why I kept trying to make you feel better, trying to make you see that you were so much more than that. I guess it's because I actually CARED about you unlike you who never gave two fucks about anything/anyone but yourself. I specifically remember one night when I asked you to hang out (well, me and my current best friend). You kept saying you didn't know and then finally you gave us your answer; no. You couldn't hang out that night. We didn't care too much. Later, the best friend and I took a trip to Hy-Vee and guess who we ran into? Your skank ass and you were there with two of your other friends. I thought you couldn't go out? We were pissed and you KNEW it. As soon as you saw us, you ran. YOU FUCKING RAN AWAY. Are we five again, or? That's the little shit you did that made me hate you. You lied, you'd always called me dumb/stupid/slow/whatever the fuck else and you always complained about how fat you were but then you'd walk around in short shorts showing off your long legs and then you'd ask everyone if your butt looked too big in them. Then, when we said no, you'd call us liars and pout. What the hell.
I could bitch for hours about this dumb cunt but I'll stop because 1) class is almost over, 2) I'm just getting myself worked up and 3) there really isn't a third reason, I just think a list of two is dumb.
To be continued.
Lover Dearest.
Okay, so, I moved all of my previous posts to a different blog because this is going to be strictly 'letters to so&so' blog. Well and the occasional photo of me with whoever. I'm not going to reveal who these letters are to just because they're not real letters. I'm only writing them for my own benefit; to bitch.
Letter one;
Dear $@$#!@#^$*&,
Ever since you showed your face in the eighth grade, my life's been different. You've altered it completely; my mindset changed, my view on things changed, my moods changed, the way I treated people changed, the way I treated myself changed. I gave up everything to try and fit your image of perfect. To this day, I'm still throwing it all away just to please you. You've taken so much from me in the last four years, I don't know how I'm still allowing you in my life. I tried getting rid of you. I tried running away from you. I tried leaving you behind but you just followed me; wherever I went, there you were, just two steps behind, lingering in the shadows. You'd think you'd be sick of me by now but then again, how could you be? Who'd be tired of someone who just bows to them? I wish you'd just leave. Just kidding, I'd be lost without you. You're my lifeline. You're what I reach for when I don't know what else to do. It's you I turn to when I'm happy or sad or upset or irritated or annoyed or angry or depressed or moody or lost. I've been told time after time that you're no good for me. Everyone's constantly yelling, screaming, bitching, pleading me to just let you go but they don't understand. They don't know me like you do. They just don't get it. You're like the shining light at the end of the long, dark tunnel. When everything/everyone is cloudy, there you are; glowing. It sounds so cheesy but it's true. In a way, you've made my life better. If you weren't around, I don't know who I'd be. I don't know how I'd act. I don't know how I'd cope. I don't know who I'd talk to. I don't know. I can't picture my life without painting you in it, too. I know someday I'll have to move on and leave you here. I'll miss you but it'll be for the best, right? I'll be okay, right? I'll find someone, right?
Letter one;
Dear $@$#!@#^$*&,
Ever since you showed your face in the eighth grade, my life's been different. You've altered it completely; my mindset changed, my view on things changed, my moods changed, the way I treated people changed, the way I treated myself changed. I gave up everything to try and fit your image of perfect. To this day, I'm still throwing it all away just to please you. You've taken so much from me in the last four years, I don't know how I'm still allowing you in my life. I tried getting rid of you. I tried running away from you. I tried leaving you behind but you just followed me; wherever I went, there you were, just two steps behind, lingering in the shadows. You'd think you'd be sick of me by now but then again, how could you be? Who'd be tired of someone who just bows to them? I wish you'd just leave. Just kidding, I'd be lost without you. You're my lifeline. You're what I reach for when I don't know what else to do. It's you I turn to when I'm happy or sad or upset or irritated or annoyed or angry or depressed or moody or lost. I've been told time after time that you're no good for me. Everyone's constantly yelling, screaming, bitching, pleading me to just let you go but they don't understand. They don't know me like you do. They just don't get it. You're like the shining light at the end of the long, dark tunnel. When everything/everyone is cloudy, there you are; glowing. It sounds so cheesy but it's true. In a way, you've made my life better. If you weren't around, I don't know who I'd be. I don't know how I'd act. I don't know how I'd cope. I don't know who I'd talk to. I don't know. I can't picture my life without painting you in it, too. I know someday I'll have to move on and leave you here. I'll miss you but it'll be for the best, right? I'll be okay, right? I'll find someone, right?
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)