Colder Than My Heart.

Dear *&*&^%*((*&^%,

I don't know why you keep texting me and trying to get me to come over. I don't want anything to do with you. I didn't like you a month ago, I didn't like you two weeks ago and hey, I still don't like you. I'm not sure what you're not understanding - I've made myself pretty clear. You're a guy though. You only hear what you want.

But with everything that happened, I understand if you're a bit confused. I wish I had the courage to send you a long text message explaining myself fully but that would cause a lot of hurt for both you and me. I'm sorry that I used you. I would say that that wasn't my intention but to be honest, I only slept with you to see if it would help me. I haven't felt anything in a long time - nothing real anyway. It doesn't matter how many times I slice my thighs or how much food I purge. When it's all done, I still don't feel anything. I don't feel guilty or shame or anger or happy or grateful or sorrow. I feel nothing. When I think about that night with you, I don't even flinch. I don't care that I hurt you or made you think we were going somewhere or gave you the wrong idea.

And that's the problem.

I can skip school, lose friends, steal money, disobey my father, put people down; whatever - it doesn't make a difference. I'm officially just done. I can truly say that I just don't care about anything anymore. I've always said that and when I did, it wasn't entirely true because I did care about my friends and whether or not I failed a class and going out on the weekends and if someone liked me or not. I don't know when I lost myself - I can't pinpoint it for you. I can't even give you a time period. It's all gray. There's four things in my life right now that's literally keeping me alive; Vic Fuentes, my cat, my brother and my best friend(s). I guess it might be five.

But you're not one of them. I'm not even making a point within this post - I'm mostly rambling. What I'm trying to say is I don't want you. I don't need you. I don't have any interest in you remaining in my life. I wish you'd get that. That's all I want from you - is for you to leave me alone. I'm never going to reply to you, I'm never coming over and I'm never going to be yours. I didn't feel anything for you then and that's not going to change. Ever.